The difficulties of motherhood: why no one tells how complicated it can be?
“ The weeks and months go by. In some cases the woman has a nice family safety net around her. A nice job that can await her without too much pressure and she can decide with serenity whether she can return or extend her absence until a nursery school or a grandmother or a nanny can replace her very well. Her partner not only supports her in her decisions but has also ordered the latest station wagon model (the one that even the dog who doesn’t lose a hair gets on) which she will pay in cash.
Every now and then she willingly leaves the baby with someone who takes care of it just as willingly and goes out with her friends: a new dress, a film, an exhibition, a walk in the countryside.
Science fiction ”.
Taken from ” The Solitude of Mothersby Matilde Trinchero
Rivers of ink have been poured about motherhood and perhaps even more millions of words have been spent . It begins with pregnancy, when a woman’s body and mind cross for the first time an uncharted territory, made up of changes, doubts, sudden emotions and anxious expectations.
Many women who have experienced pregnancy have probably not forgotten that atmosphere of “ approval ” from society made up of benevolent smiles as soon as the belly begins to become evident, of tenderness with which friends and acquaintances inquire about the state of mother and child health, sharing anecdotes, and much more.
The woman experiences a demanding physical and emotional change but as in a muffled and privileged life interlude this is partially “repaid” by the attention she receives from those around her.
From the projects of a lifetime to be discovered, from a new role , to the home, everything changes slowly to make room for the objects that will be useful for caring for the child, to the fresh-smelling drawers full of little dresses just waiting to be be worn. The rhythms slow down as the months go by, and everything seems extraordinary, although not always so simple.
The expectant mother begins to attend a preparatory course to arrive ready both for the big day and for returning home with the newborn and is surrounded and pampered together with other mothers in an atmosphere of learning, female complicity, secrets that hand down. There is the midwife who illustrates the theoretical parts, the psychologist with whom to share the deepest doubts, the doula who relieves the fatigue of a belly that is starting to become cumbersome with massages and perfumed oils. In many preparatory courses, space is also given to dads, to involve them immediately in an experience that will surely change the balance of the couple in no small way.
The weeks, which seem endless, in reality slip away quickly and soon the moment of childbirth arrives, which is obviously a different experience for each one but which places the woman for the first time in front of a fact of which no preparatory course makes never a word: the unknown element, the unexpected, which for better or for worse accompanies every birth . No word spoken up to a few weeks before will ever be able to restore the emotions of such a significant and transformative life moment.
Welcome to reality: homecoming
Once you leave the hospital together with all the support that the mother has received for the first care of the newborn and in starting breastfeeding , the time comes to measure yourself with the new life.
After a few days of leave, it is likely that the companion will return to work, and it is here that the new mother is confronted for the first time with a totally distorted daily life and with all the difficulties that this entails.
It immediately becomes clear that the often described idyll has less brilliant hues than one imagined . That sudden, excruciating love that would have immediately “repaid” all pain and effort, it may happen that you don’t feel it either immediately or with the intensity described. That the body suffers from all the fatigue of pregnancy and childbirth but the time and space to recover cannot be found.
The increase in postpartum depression in a society like ours, where family networks which until a few decades ago constituted an essential emotional and practical support for women, is a sociological indication on which perhaps it is time to stop closing eyes .
The months following the birth are often lived in a state of solitude for most of the day, in an alternation of care and nursing rituals for the baby. Compared to the working rhythms to which many women are accustomed, the days can seem endless while the time to dedicate to oneself is reduced to a minimum and perhaps we begin to come to terms with a fact that would seem obvious but not it is so much: there is now a person who totally depends on our care and who takes precedence.
It takes precedence over our moods, it takes precedence over tiredness, it takes precedence over our impromptu desires.
The period of walks in the park begins, of friendships with other new mothers; when it goes well you meet people willing to share their experience in an authentic way, and this exchange is certainly a source of information, comfort and enrichment of one’s baggage.
But when it doesn’t go so well, the confessions of a new mother who complains about lost hours of sleep, tiredness, boredom, the desire to carve out some time for herself or even just to take a shower calmly, are immediately rejected to the sender with attitudes and words of unequivocal disapproval with a common denominator:
“Did you want the bicycle? And now pedal”.
As if becoming a “mom” both satisfies and cancels every legitimate need or desire of what remains above all a person.
Why does this happen? Because the “ maternal is sacred ”, As Matilde Trinchero writes about her in “ The solitude of mothers ”: “ One cannot dent that aura of sacredness without receiving dismay in return . And difficult words remain confined in the darkness of malaise and loneliness .
We should perhaps begin to think that the naturalness of motherhood and the abused maternal instinct do not exist a priori for every woman, as has been widely taken for granted, that the difficulties exist, indeed they are increasing a lot and that giving them a name is a way to narrow down what doesn’t work from what works . And that for those who have not had the maternal instinct as a gift from life’s circumstances, there is the possibility of learning motherhood with the inevitable mistakes, the many falls, the frequent doubts present in every learning process. Errors, doubts and falls which, by preserving from the arrogance of always being right, are more positive than too many certainties ”.
Motherhood stereotypes
An undoubtedly decisive contribution to creating an ever greater sense of inadequacy in new mothers is made up of the Web and more precisely of the Social Networks which often only reinforce a fake, glossy and totally distant from reality stereotype of motherhood.
Celebrities who, a few hours after giving birth, stand on their heels with a fresh hairdo and a relaxed smile, images and stories of bloggers who describe a reality that is at least not very credible, of smiling newborns, of men who without a minimum of hesitation enter casually in the new clothes of dad, of faces without tiredness.
What they fail to say, however, is for a “cover” shot, there are nine that probably did everything except restore that image of aseptic perfection, and that continuing to offer unreal narratives in which it is very unlikely to identify only increases the distance from a reality that is made up of strong and unique emotions, but also of messy houses and scattered games, tired eyes, couples struggling to find a new set-up after maternity , sleepless nights and babies to rock, piles of clothes to wash, friendships that go into hiding, help that is scarce, and most likely a setback from the point of view of work.
Even the most important changes, as we know, take time to be deeply understood. The problem is that maybe sweeping the dust under the rug isn’t going to work.
Maybe it’s time to load motherhood with less unrealistic expectations and more information in women and couples who are planning to have a child. Women should be given a great gift, that of truths, and that they should learn to give this gift back to other women.
That being told that a son is a love that no words can describe, but that involves a level of dedication and self-sacrifice for which one must feel worthy. It should be said that young children are not submissive little bundles who stay in the place we decide for them, and that interpreting their needs is not easy.
That will be wonderful, but it won’t be easy.
Which will be joy, but also effort.
That time for the couple will be greatly reduced.
That there will be beautiful days and moments when you count the hours so that you arrive in the evening to rest for a few hours.
That it is possible to love like never before and a second later to want to escape.
That ambivalence is part of every human being, and a mother is entitled to it just like the others.
That complaining of tiredness, of a body that is hard to recognize, or of a completely “turned upside down” life does not detract from the love for one’s children.
Virginia Woolf wrote in the novel “Things that Happen”:
“ There is a whole problem, which interested me… things that are not said; what effect does this reticence have ?”
We can try to answer that this reticence makes you feel guilty and it would be nice to start telling the truth , once and for all. Because it’s wonderful to dream, but only reality can give motherhood back the completeness and dignity it deserves.
The stories told support us in everyday life, but to give relief, nourishment and sometimes comfort, one ingredient cannot be missing: authenticity .
If writing, or simply speaking, our stories relieved at least a little fatigue and loneliness, if they really made us feel part of something, of a “network” of women who, like many before, are going through this adventure, we could already be sure of have taken a first and important step.
Kathryn Barlow is an OB/GYN doctor, which is the medical specialty that deals with the care of women's reproductive health, including pregnancy and childbirth.
Obstetricians provide care to women during pregnancy, labor, and delivery, while gynecologists focus on the health of the female reproductive system, including the ovaries, uterus, vagina, and breasts. OB/GYN doctors are trained to provide medical and surgical care for a wide range of conditions related to women's reproductive health.