The couple after the children: keep talking to each other so as not to risk getting lost

Next to each new white and freshly scented cot there are often two parents, equally new in their role, tired by sleepless nights, days spent chasing commitments and minds full of questions.

The return home after giving birth, the very long months that follow, are a great test for the couple : even the most close-knit ones, the long-standing ones, those who waited anxiously for the arrival of a child to crown their dream of love, they can experience difficult moments.

A son suddenly calls priorities, rhythms, schedules into question, and the couple embarks on a new, completely personal path of transformation . A fascinating and at times bumpy journey where perhaps one of the few secrets for not getting lost is never to suspend the dialogue, not to extinguish the confrontation.

Because even if hardly anyone seems to want to mention it, if it is true that “in fact” one becomes a parent at the moment of birth, the battle of emotions that arouses the assumption of such an important role and the awareness of not being just children anymore, to be now really on the front line with such an important responsibility represents a particularly delicate passage in life .

And yet, it is natural to wonder why such a serious topic ( starting from all the stereotypes on motherhood that seem to exist only to put women in difficulty ) is constantly kept silent, almost as if everything that does bad to recognize, even to ourselves.

And that’s how the couple after the children, happy, messed up by this gust of emotions and practical tasks, finds themselves inventing a new life.

Those who are lucky have moral and in some cases even practical support from their families of origin , which can be decisive in moments when tiredness begins to take over, those who have the economic means (certainly not from all ) to make use of external aid will certainly have some relief, those who have neither one nor the other, have no other option than to make do.

And it is in these moments in which the solidity of the couple is tested as never before : between chaos, busted schedules, half-finished dinners and races against time, every pretext becomes a reason for mutual recriminations which in the long run harm, and not little harmony of the whole family.

It would be useless and perhaps even annoying, to read here too, as almost everywhere, the usual sermons full of common sense that list the elixirs to keep the couple together, ranging from carving out time for yourself and taking care of yourself, enjoying a few dinners at a restaurant or even better some elopement, don’t lose your interests, continue to cultivate your talents, don’t forget to be people before being parents.

These are undoubtedly excellent resolutions, even if there are reasonable reasons to believe that no one is happy to neglect their person, even for a limited period of time, just as it is difficult to believe that a close-knit couple does not miss moments together, or a vacation from a few years ago, or simply that lightness that now seems lost.

The point is rather that in moments of great change more than ever we reason in priority , setting aside with the legitimate promise that it is a “goodbye” and not a “goodbye” many of the things that made us feel good, because is going through a moment of life in which it is necessary to make room for something else . And there are also those who, bluntly speaking, don’t have the possibilities or the means to make life easier.

The importance of sharing

When everyday life puts a strain on it, the important thing is knowing how to work as a team . And to be a team that works, everyone must be ready to do without something for an important and ambitious goal: the common good . It is certainly not essential to impose deadlines and useless races against time, but making it possible for everyone to contribute according to their inclinations is certainly doable without forgetting to talk to each other or taking too many things for granted, so as to avoid as much as possible misunderstandings and recriminations . It is useless to expect the other to understand our needs and meet us if we are not the first to express them clearly and simply.

The premise is that in the family no one “helps” anyone: because the management of the house and the care of the children represent a choice shared by the couple, therefore everyone must certainly do their part to carry on a life project desired by both . It seems anachronistic but it is still very common to be asked if your partner “helps” at home and with the children, as if it were a favor prompted by benevolence and not a real responsibility on his part.

Today’s dads, as evidenced by statistics and the level of attendance at prenatal courses and in the delivery room, are much more aware of their role and participate than in the past and show interest in being involved, in becoming a point of safety for their children . to have all the will to accompany them in their growth.

And so, let them do it, let them discover their own way of being fathers, let’s bite our tongues in front of an unlikely color combination when it was their turn to dress the children, or for an unset table as we would have done.

“ Done is better than perfect ”, says a famous phrase: if we seek the collaboration of our partner and then breathe down his neck and not miss an opportunity to criticize the results, it is better to change course as soon as possible. If we consider ourselves “unsurpassed” in doing something, let’s do it autonomously and that’s it, avoiding triggering useless and harmful rivalries.

No one needs to be “educated” to be a parent, sometimes it is simply a question of knowing how to ask for collaboration by touching the right strings.

Perhaps the bulk of the work is just that: finding a new balance . Without forgetting that everyday life, with its chaos, its upheavals, its sleepless nights, the children’s games scattered around the house, gives us silent moments of poetry: it’s up to us to know how to grasp, keep and hide it in our pocket more secret. One day, perhaps not too far away, everything will return to our eyes in its true proportions and tiredness will be a memory that will make us smile. The splendid certainty will remain that our team has been able to consolidate and move forward in the same direction. With this awareness, the open sea will continue to inspire a little fear, but we will also know that by staying close, no night can ever be so dark.