My friend is pregnant and I can’t be happy for her

Anyone who is suffering from infertility problems is most likely familiar with the topic we will be discussing here.

When a woman is unable to conceive or has had one or more miscarriages, she often feels that she is surrounded by people who are having a pregnancy without difficulty. Friends, work colleagues, neighbors… sooner or later they all announce that they are expecting a baby and proudly show their growing belly. All apparently got pregnant without particular commitment, others even almost “by mistake”.

For many women who are experiencing fertility problems or who have lost a baby in pregnancy, it can be stressful just to go to the mall, take a walk downtown or in crowded places, because baby bumps, prams and pushchairs become a problem.

For those who can’t have a child despite countless attempts or failures behind them, every announcement, every belly is a stab in the heart. Behind that smile, flaunted without even much conviction, there is a lot of suffering from those who can’t be happy for their friend, acquaintance or colleague who is expecting a child. There is also a strong sense of guilt in all of this, because we love that friend or sister of hers, but despite this we are unable to express sincere happiness for her.

For this reason, infertility often leads the woman, but also the couple, to isolate themselves, keeping away from those friends who are experiencing a pregnancy and the beginning of parenthood.

Accepting the pregnancy of others

Bonds with sisters or true friends expecting a child, those with whom there is a really solid bond, survive infertility . This does not mean that it is less painful to know about their pregnancy, on the contrary, but you can be honest with them because they know what you are going through.

It’s important that your close friends know about your problem, because they’ll be able to pick the right time to bring it up. It will also be difficult for them to tell you about the pregnancy, but they will use all possible tact to share the news with you.

Will you have bad thoughts? Sure, it’s a very common and instinctive reaction. It’s easy to be happy if your friend gets a promotion or wins the lottery, but it can be hard to deal with the news of a pregnancy if you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a long time or have suffered one or more miscarriages or failed IVF treatments while she gets pregnant on the first attempts.

Accepting your friend’s pregnancy is the most complicated moment. Once the impact of the announcement is overcome, everything else becomes more bearable and you will be able to experience her pregnancy more serenely by adopting the right precautions.

In acceptance, the sensitivity of the future mother helps a lot , she should choose a moment when you are alone, using words that recognize how difficult this can be for you. Even the most empathic of friends won’t be able to sweeten the news, but time helps and little by little you will be able to accept her condition and not feel uncomfortable.

If necessary, avoid the parties organized for your pregnant friend , such as the various baby showers or gender reveal parties, which are starting to become common here in Italy too. These holidays where pregnancy is celebrated and gifts are brought to the expectant mother are not the ideal place for those who are facing fertility problems.

Explain it to the pregnant friend who has invited you, bring her a gift on another occasion, invite her to dinner with you and wish her all the best wishes, but not in the midst of a group of big bellies and new mothers.  If she is aware of your problem, she will understand how painful this can be for you and she will support your decision.

A couple who is facing a path of PMA or finds themselves receiving constant disappointments for a stork who doesn’t want to arrive, doesn’t feel at ease in a table of several couples talking about children or pregnancy. Better to prefer evenings with no more than a couple of friends , this because on these more intimate occasions it is possible to have greater control over the conversation .

You can choose topics that have nothing to do with pregnancy or talk about it only and in the way you decide. When you’re having dinner with a large group of people, however, your control over the conversation vanishes. Without warning, women chatter about past pregnancies or worse yet, complain about pregnancy symptoms they’re having , adding to your sense of frustration.

Manage the news of a birth

The news of a birth is as difficult to deal with as the announcement of a pregnancy.

Again, my best advice is to look for as intimate an opportunity as possible , when there are no other people around, to visit the new mom. Plan a time to bring her dinner, to offer your help in the first few days, thus looking for situations where it is unlikely that other people will be visiting.

The important thing is that you still manage to be present in this important phase of your friend’s life.

The importance of reciprocity

The ability to maintain close friendships when you’re dealing with a fertility problem and your friend is pregnant isn’t just up to you. It also relies on the friend’s ability to support you in the right way.

It is a complex topic, but it needs an essential starting point: your friend must be aware of what you are going through.

It may happen that he does not fully understand, if he has never experienced the difficulty of having a child firsthand. In this case you have to accept the fact that a person is not able to fully understand your feelings. Unfortunately, some things can only be understood when you experience them first hand. But don’t blame it. The fact that he still cares about your situation and makes an effort to understand it is what is needed to keep your friendship alive and strong.