Learning to say no to children

Learning to say “no” to children means being authoritative enough to be loved. The rules are very important for the development of the child and consequently they are essential for growth and maturity.

The “no” must show firmness, must set a limit, must be few and clear. Children don’t get traumatized because you say “no”, children will love you because they will trust you and for this reason they will listen to you.

The “no” said to children generates frustration in them, for this reason they should be said gradually. The child will slowly discover that he is not at the center of the world and that there are not only him and that there are small limits and small rules to respect.

Exaggerated reactions

Don’t be afraid of sometimes even exaggerated reactions such as desperate crying or screams, if the no’s are adequate and not said all the time, they will slowly understand the reasons and stop overreacting. If, on the other hand, the children continue to cry desperately, stiffen, tremble, throw themselves on the ground banging their fists and much more, try to ask yourself if the no are too many and have lost their value and if so why? Maybe the house is not child-friendly and every thing the child wants to do he can’t?

Children need to be listened to in their needs, they must be understood and feel the affectionate stability of those who take care of them. If this doesn’t happen they can gradually become little tyrants towards their parents, around whom the life of the whole family revolves.

Children need to be contained and parents must learn to set limits and say “no”.

The tone of voice

The tone of voice must be calm and not altered and shouted.

If the child yells, you should not yell louder than him, but you should keep calm and speak softly to avoid the imposing tone.

The emotional reaction of children depends a lot, not only on their character, but also on how often and how they are scolded. Yelling does not bring any benefit to the child, on the contrary it will negatively affect his social relationships as he is also more predisposed to physical aggression.

Obviously raising your voice every now and then is also good , but it must be an exception and not a habit.

Eye contact

Eye contact with the child is essential while scolding him, you need to look him in the eyes with a serious look but don’t convey fear or fury.

Always give an explanation

The explanation of the “no” must be given on the basis of the age of the child, in any case it must always be clear and concise such as for example “no, because in this way you hurt other children” and as they grow up you will be able to explain your motivations so that children can trust you more .

The children involved in the explanation will feel more considered, also increasing their self-esteem and will feel less the weight of the imposition given by the adult.

The reproach is not a parental outburst

The reprimand must NEVER be an outburst from the parents , for this reason a slap in the butt, in the hand and even more so in any other part of the body is not educational at all.

The reprimand must help the child who needs to be corrected, to reflect (obviously based on age) and for this reason it must be a constructive reprimand, given in an educational way and with a lot of patience, especially when you know that nerves are about to jump.

All the more reason children also need to be reassured and if they cry, tell them you love them even if what they did was wrong and they shouldn’t do it anymore.

Physical contact

Physical contact is also essential to create a bond of trust and esteem with the child .

The child must be held and held, even if he has been scolded he must feel your authority and your strength but never the refusal. The child must feel the protection of the adult because only in this way will he become an independent adult.

The good example

Leading by example to children is perhaps one of the hardest rules to follow . Sometimes it happens that you yell at your partner, say a few bad words while on the phone or curse in the face of small accidents, nibble on something while preparing dinner, in short, contravene some rules that you are trying to give to children and adults first they do not respect.

Children are little sponges and their first vector of learning is the example of their parents . For this, remember that even when the children are playing in their cot or in their bedroom, they hear everything and even if they don’t see you or still don’t understand your words exactly, they are able to understand what is happening based on the tone of their voice.

You also need to make an effort to be consistent and agree on the decision made and not revise your behavior based on whims.

Offer alternatives

Offering children play and entertainment alternatives is a good compromise to anticipate the defeat at home.

Children are very lively and have energy to spare, so when they return from nursery school, kindergarten or primary school they often come back full of energy and with a desire to get busy and mess around. On the basis of their preferences, one must try to satisfy them but not only when it is possible, also by making an effort to dedicate time taken away from other commitments. There are children who love water and every time they wash their hands they flood the house.

To avoid this, allow him to play in the tub with a little water or with a basin full of water, so he will be able to feel understood and free and it will be easier to understand why flooding the house is not correct, while playing in the tub or with a basin is can do although a little water will still wet the floor. There are children instead who love to get their hands dirty with flour, earthenware, tempera and much more, so give free rein to their desire to experiment before they do it with whatever they have available.

Do not cheat

Never cheat on children . For example, don’t distract them with a game, a sweet or something else, because even if they fall for it the first few times, this method will be short-lived and you will only have affected the trust they have in you.

When you have children you need to be aware that you need control that is not easy to maintain in a society where time is short: stress, heavy commitments that force you to do so many things in a hurry, the resulting nervousness certainly don’t help. In any case we must try to hold back and always remember that even if the working day has been heavy and negative, the children cannot know it and are not to blame for it, so before scolding them we should ask ourselves if what they are doing really deserves a “no ” or deserves it just because you are tired and exhausted.

There are no predefined rules for all children and even less handbooks that are the same for all parents, but there are rules that are appropriate to your history with your children.