Is it right or wrong to argue in front of children?

It’s not just the restrictions that states are imposing on citizens in a difficult attempt to contain COVID-19 that are increasing tensions in couples and families. Certainly the constraint of staying at home, managing children in DaD, the impossibility of moving and enjoying one’s habits create many stress problems. But to these are also added economic and employment issues, uncertainties for the future. And if that weren’t enough, many social, political and environmental problems seem to be pouring more and more disruptive on all of us.

This stress, and the particular situation that sees us powerless to change things, lowers our tolerance and patience threshold, and a drop is enough to unleash states of anger and annoyance that end in heated arguments and quarrels.

Sometimes we discuss problems that we can’t solve . They are those normal characteristics of each of us that can only be accepted but which emerge from time to time and which create the need for an outlet (always within the limits of course!).

Other problems, on the other hand , have a solution , but they are not always able to be faced with a cool head and we end up discussing them in an agitated way. So what happens if, perhaps in the lack of privacy forced by the pandemic, the children end up witnessing it?

An issue that can be resolved can also be addressed in front of the little ones, but it should always be closed in front of them. It’s fine for the couple to leave an “argument” hanging and being resolved at another time, but those who witness it may not realize that everything has finally settled down. We participate in a moment of rupture, but not in the moment of return to normality, which is instead an important opportunity for growth.

Children learn by imitation, so even a heated discussion can teach them how to face them when their time comes. Some points we can keep in mind, even if they are understandably not easy to follow:

1. Take a breath. Imposing pauses in a discussion allows you to loosen the instinct to have the upper hand and to tone down which usually grow exponentially. The classic “count to 10” always applies.
2. Listen. This is a difficult part because when you are convinced of your position it is difficult to listen to the (different) opinions of others. But are we sure we’re right?
3. Stay on topic. When the climate of a discussion becomes hot it is easy to start talking about everything and more (obviously always about “things that are wrong”) and make the discussion so generic as to not solve anything
4. Use the right words. Not only towards the partner, but being able to have an adequate language for the little ones who are listening (even if they are not in the same room)
5. Postpone. Sometimes it is good to choose a different moment to discuss. In the morning, perhaps just before leaving the house or in the evening before going to bed, they are not the best choices, because, at least for the little ones, everything will almost certainly remain “suspended”.
6. Remember that they are there too: if they move away or ask to stop arguing it is important to calm down and reassure them

In conclusion

Heated discussions or quarrels happen, it’s normal as long as they don’t become everyday life. Attending an argument can be a strong experience for children, but if you are able to manage the discussion constructively, it becomes a moment of growth for them. By avoiding excessively hostile attitudes and avoiding offensive and vulgar language, they can learn that discussions can be held but that at the base there remains a mutual respect which in the end wins over even the sharpest differences.