Hold me in your arms: the touch that feeds, heart and brain

The greatest stimulus to the development of the newborn is being held in the arms with love, more effective even than being breastfed. In the arms of mum and dad where there is warmth and safety or in the embrace of an adult who takes care of the child, the muscles relax and the breath becomes deeper.

From the anatomy of the brain…

Starting from the studies on attachment and maternal love conducted on Harlow’s macaques in the 1950s up to the numerous researches carried out in recent decades by neuroscience on the development of emotional intelligence, it is strongly affirmed how fundamental the first year of life is for the formation of the child’s social brain.

This brain development in fact strongly and heavily influences the emotional balance of the child and his adulthood in the future as his social skills in adulthood depend on the experiences lived in the first period of life.

In her book “ Why children must be loved ”, the English psychologist Sue Gerhardt provides a very interesting theory starting from the anatomy of the brain and then arriving at the heart . I found this text illuminating, which highlights how the orbitofrontal cortex is probably the part of the brain most responsible for what Daniel Goleman defines in his books as “ emotional intelligence ”.

According to Gerhardt’s thesis, the cortex has the highest opioid levels of the entire cerebral cortex and is deeply involved in rewarding positive experiences of various kinds . This cortex develops almost completely after the birth of the child and begins to mature when the child learns to walk, ie at about twelve to fourteen months.
And so far it could all seem to depend on physiological aspects. It’s actually not quite like that!

The development of the orbitofrontal cortex, i.e. the region of the prefrontal cortex that is involved in processing decision-making and initiative , does not happen automatically. Its development depends on the relationships that the child has with the people who relate and interact with him.

This reflection reveals how much the outcome of brain growth depends on the quantity of good experiences that the child lives, especially between the ages of six and twelve/eighteen months when there is an explosion of connections between the synapses in the prefrontal cortex. In this phase they reach the highest density just when the relationship between parents and child intensifies and consolidates.

It is therefore difficult to imagine that a child raised in complete isolation can turn out to be an empathetic and social adult!

…to emotionally intelligent children

The first year of life is dedicated to building mental muscles: the infant’s brain slowly begins to classify experiences by taking note of the various aspects and events that repeat themselves regularly. In this first period, the baby’s brain grows very rapidly, weighing more than twice as much as it was born!

The brain development of the child which leads him to be “emotionally competent “ is therefore not only linked to aspects of genetics, but largely depends on how good and constructive he lives in terms of experiences and relationships with others.

To put it simply, it happens that a part of our brain realizes whether or not it is worth developing and growing. And choose independently.

All the experiences in which the child enters into relationship with the care giver , i.e. the adult of reference dedicated to his care and subsequently with all those people who will enter into relationship with him in this first very delicate phase of his life, become fundamental.

Let’s explore together below some of the main care and relationship experiences that we can live with our child in the first year of life.

Hold me in your arms

The greatest stimulus to development is being held in one’s arms with love, more effective even than being breastfed. In the arms of mum and dad where there is warmth and safety or in the embrace of an adult who takes care of the child, the muscles relax and the breath becomes deeper.

After all, life itself begins in a context of containment and gentle rocking, right from the maternal womb.

For example, the importance of responding to a baby’s cry by picking him up and holding him in his arms and cradling him from the very first signals he communicates to us, provides the baby with security because he understands that the adult is available to respond to his needs.

This over time will allow him to trust and rely on those who take care of him.

You can hold it in your arms just as you can “hold” the baby in a sling.

The experience of holding your baby in a sling and “carrying” it with you into the world is an experience that gives mum (but not only dad) and baby great relaxation: the baby is “tied up” and wrapped up in the mother’s body returns to relive the experience in the uterus, modulating its reactions and adapting to the extra-uterine environment.

For the adult, keeping the baby in the sling becomes a relaxing and emotionally engaging experience over time, transmitting tranquility and closeness to the baby.

It is a virtuous circle that allows parents and child to mutually enjoy each other’s presence and warm contact, obtaining a double result: the first have their hands free and a quiet child, the second stores a very pleasant and useful experience to its development, not only physical, but also cerebral.

Let’s dedicate ourselves a massage a day

Another way to help brain development is to massage the baby.

It is still too often thought that massage is simply a cuddle, in reality massage, especially in the first months of a child’s life, is an extremely important technique and a very effective relationship tool.

In a moment of the child’s life in which the relationship does not pass through words but above all in the contact it nourishes, body language becomes of central importance. 

We develop gradually and once again nature provides us with an explanation for this: for the first year and a half of life we ​​communicate mainly through body language, a language that is unique to each mother-father-child triad.

In the first period of life, words arrive and are understood much later in time, as if they weren’t really necessary, at least for the child.

The touch of the massage therefore, in its repeated sequence, in its being a deep and regular touch, brings great benefits, mainly in the stimulation of the nervous system and relief in case of disorganization of the same.

Massage reduces stress hormones, even in the mother, and through this touch which is nourishment to all intents and purposes, security and acceptance are transmitted to the child, which are essential for the child to grow up in safety.

Therefore, taking up the initial thesis from which our reflection started, namely that brain growth depends on the amount of good experiences that the child has, it can be deduced that massage is not just a cuddle but a precious tool for the development of the parts of the brain adapted to the child’s emotional competence and ability to adapt.

The experience of the massage, acquired from the first months in the mother-child relationship, can then become a beautiful ritual to be repeated even when the child grows up: many pre-school children seek out a massage, for example when they are faced with developmental moments, of change or uncertainty; as if that deeper touch gave them security and certainty again. A fixed point in a world that often moves too fast for him.

Because love matters

Let’s go back to the book written by Gerhart: it is interesting to literally translate her title ” Why love matters” into “Why love matters”, to understand in depth what the author wants to explain and which becomes important and central for parents.

To understand some dynamics of the first period of a child’s life it is necessary to ask ourselves «what matters?».

Love counts: in its nuances of contact, of dialogue through touch, of containment. What counts is the love for the growth of the child’s brain who develops the brain muscles in the first year of life, building the foundations for his future.

Love counts in the type of care we receive in the first period because it affects the “neural pathways” and consequently the emotional development of the child.

Love is essential to develop the human aspect of being an adult in the future and create healthy relationships from every point of view.

We know it very well, taking care of a newborn is an experience full of facets, a journey as engaging and full of emotions as it is demanding, also because the legacies of the past and prejudices that make parents question the fact that what contact is a real need of the child and not a vice.

Still too often, the high contact new parent finds himself immersed in a daily life punctuated by unsolicited advice and judgments that undermine the serenity and balance of the triad.

Scientific evidence today more than ever supports and underlines the need and importance of a parenting style that responds with love – care – contact to the child’s needs.

A contact that is nourishment for the brain and for the heart, a contact that is an investment in the future of adults who stand out for their emotional intelligence.