Grandparents, babysitter or nursery: which is the best choice?
After the maternity period, when the mother has to go back to work, the dilemma arises for each couple: nursery school, grandparents or nanny?
“ There are only two inexhaustible legacies that we must hope to pass on to our children: roots and wings ”.
Harding Carter
After the maternity period, when the mother has to go back to work, the dilemma arises for each couple, namely how to manage the newborn’s days in their absence. Entrusting your child for a certain number of hours a day is never easy: no one knows him like parents and delegating without feelings of guilt and concern is anything but immediate.
The alternatives are always the same: crèche , grandparents or nanny . None of these can be defined as “right” or “wrong” in absolute terms and each one undoubtedly has its pros and cons, like every choice after all.
In many cases the problem does not even arise: the grandparents live far away, work, or are elderly and unable to take on such an important daily commitment. Nor should we exclude the case in which, on the contrary, they would have all the credentials to be able to take care of the little one, but for the most varied reasons they withdraw, causing displeasure on the part of the couple who do not feel such a great joy “shared” and feels unsupported in such a crucial transition phase of life where any help would be more than appreciated.
Even in the opposite case, where the grandparents would be enthusiastic about taking care of the little one, it is prudent for new parents to stop for a moment to reflect and ask themselves if what they are being offered is really the support they need, if it is really the right solution . It can also happen that in a moment of momentum grandparents offer constant and daily help, but that they actually do not remember well how tiring it is to look after a newborn all day and every day: we often forget that it is one thing to pay an occasional visit, see the little one smiling, play with it and cuddle it for a few hours, under the supervision of the mother who is ready to intervene and interpret the baby’s cries and needs. On the other hand, it is quite another matter to manage it entire days independently. If the parents themselves arrive in the evening decidedly tired, and compared to their grandparents they are many years younger and have a lot more energy and resources, it is not strange to think that for older people it is really an excessively onerous task: the newborn it needs constant attention and care. Feedings , changes and bedtime are a continuous cycle that requires little rest.
When the baby grows up and approaches the year, the commitment is different but certainly not less: the baby reaches an ever-increasing level of autonomy and requires support. As soon as he starts crawling and walking , energy and attention are needed to play with him for many hours and not to lose sight of him even for a moment between the pitfalls of the house.
In a nutshell, there is no doubt that even for grandparents it can be a wonderful moment, but it is obvious that they have enough energy to take care of the little one every day, it is a little less so.
Even the greatest enthusiasms can have a setback in front of reality and energies are also a limit that shouldn’t be overlooked.
If the grandparents are no longer young but are particularly keen on taking care of their grandchild, one can think of giving them help by placing a nanny alongside them for a few hours a day.
But maybe that’s not even the main point. When we entrust a child to our grandparents, we need to be certain that the relationship with them truly allows us to do so in complete serenity: the limits need to be clear, traced and above all shared.
Grandparents are a precious resource
Grandparents are a precious resource and fundamental in many families : not only do they offer truly important support, allowing parents to save money on nursery schools and babysitters (which we know can be a really demanding expense) and certainly the affection that bonds to the grandchild is the first source of tranquility for the mother who can leave him in their hands certain that they will always and only do the best for him. But sometimes it’s not enough.
It’s not enough if and when they don’t respect the parents’ educational line , when they somehow try to replace them by becoming the first reference, it’s not enough when they don’t miss an opportunity to criticize. It is not enough if their intrusions create unnecessary tension in the couple. It is not enough if in front of the indications of the parents they continue to do their own thing.
It’s not enough even when mom and dad, by virtue of the gratitude they feel towards their commitment, no longer feel free enough to decide what’s best for themselves and their child. When peace of mind fails and when the authority of the parents is questioned , it is probably a sign that something is going wrong and that this choice, if possible, should be discussed and rethought again.
The role of grandparents is known, it is to wink and give something more than mum and dad, it is that of play , of complicity , it is that warmth and security given by experience and maturity: it is a role important, but completely different from that of the parents and must remain so.
The Nanny/Babysitter
When the choice of grandparents is not feasible, you can think of a nanny , who has the great advantage of looking after the little one at home and therefore being the one to move. Not only logistically does this make everything more comfortable, avoiding elevator lifts and difficult joints between traffic and working hours, but the child can remain calm in the environment that is most familiar to him.
The babysitter is perhaps the choice that at first may cause greater concern: entrusting the child to a person you don’t know many hours a day is an opportunity that many parents discard out of hand.
With the nanny it is primarily a matter of feeling but affinity is also a necessary but not sufficient condition. References are a good starting point together with a period of coaching by a parent to accurately and serenely evaluate not only his/her care skills , but also the child’s responses: even the best babysitter in the world on paper, for millions of reasons it may prove to be unsuitable for our family or the child may not feel particularly comfortable.
The nursery
Last, but not least, the nest . Even on the nest the pros and cons are almost equal. Certainly compared to the home environment it has a great advantage: it provides an educational and playful proposal , as well as spaces suited to the needs of the little ones, designed to allow them to play, explore and learn without danger. If securing the house to prevent the little explorers from running into danger is not trivial , the nursery instead offers a child-proof environment, often also with outdoor spacesequipped to play on sunny days. In this regard, some time ago Daniela Lecci, educator at the nursery school of the European Parliament, answered many of our curiosities, both on the nursery school, on the teachers, and on the synergy that is created between home and family.
Among the advantages, in addition to the child-friendly environment, there is undoubtedly the presence of expert educators , who can make parents more relaxed than a babysitter.
Many parents in choosing the nest argue that among the variables considered, the ” socialization ” has a great impact. Scholarly opinions are not in full agreement on this. According to Steve Biddulph and Richard Bowlby : the former, psychologist and author of numerous books on the subjects of parenting and education; the second, son of John Bowlby and attachment theorist, the conditions that guarantee the best development of young children are those that arise from a constant interaction with a reference figure in a one-to-one reaction(obviously impossible in a kindergarten where a teacher has an average of five children in charge). It is believed that the little ones, immediately placed in the community, begin to socialize better. In reality, this need does not appear to be present in the young child. Only at the end of the first year and the beginning of the second one notices how the young imitate each other and only from the second-third year of life do they enter into a reciprocal, complementary and non – specular relationship. As they grow older, they begin to share motivations and goals, learn to take turns and play pretend. But it takes time to appreciate the company of other children, the game of the little ones is often an activity of intense exploration, but conducted alone.
Last but not least, the diseases : unfortunately the children in the nursery get sick very often especially in the first year: viral infections of the respiratory and gastrointestinal systems are unfortunately very frequent.
Closed environments in which many children play exchanging toys after having kept them in their mouths favor the spread of viruses.
In conclusion
Summing up, the “ideal” solution does not seem to exist: each one has its strengths and weaknesses, much depends on the practical, logistical and economic needs of the family. Whatever the choice, the first separation from the baby is never easy , not only for the baby but also for the mother. After a period of “adjustment” if we realize that the path we have taken is not the one that is right for us, nothing prevents us from rethinking it and changing our path. In fact, to give our children solid roots and wings to take flight, the first to be serene must be the parents. Listening to our instincts and sensations is the first guarantee for a good choice.
Kathryn Barlow is an OB/GYN doctor, which is the medical specialty that deals with the care of women's reproductive health, including pregnancy and childbirth.
Obstetricians provide care to women during pregnancy, labor, and delivery, while gynecologists focus on the health of the female reproductive system, including the ovaries, uterus, vagina, and breasts. OB/GYN doctors are trained to provide medical and surgical care for a wide range of conditions related to women's reproductive health.