From Denmark the six golden rules to raise happy children

For every goal achieved, a new challenge is on the horizon. Often mothers seek reassurance in comparison with other mothers and even more often do not find great words of comfort: other people’s children always seem to be the ones who sleep more, those with more consolidated routines, and so on.

Not infrequently we find ourselves alone, full of questions surrounded by perfect parents and families. At this point it happens that you look for answers between the pages of the books.

The book

The proposals on the market abound with “Manuals”: the manual that promises peaceful nights to parents tried by lack of sleep, the weaning manual, the manual to deal with adolescent rebellions: there seem to be answers to every problem, you just need to know how to look for them. Yet, we often feel that we are the very exception that confirms the rule and these texts that promise wonders disappoint us, or we realize that they are not at all for us, that the solutions that are offered to us are very far from us. With these premises and with a dose of “healthy” skepticism we approached the reading of a book that has been around the world: “The Danish Method to raise happy children and be serene parents“. The elixir to maintain balance, serenity and harmony would come from Denmark, designated since 1973 the country with the largest number of happy people. The two authors, Jessica Alexander, American journalist and Iben Sandhal, psychologist, decided to try to understand something more, trying to find out what their secret is.

The answer is basically simple. Everything is enclosed in the method they use to raise their children: it is a precious legacy that is handed down from generation to generation and has become part of the social fabric, which helps to form children first and adults after balanced, serene, self-confident and resilient.

What is striking is that unlike many texts that offer remedies and shortcuts for every dilemma, but always looking for the cause “outside” the parent, the Danish Method starts from the opposite assumption, placing the parent at the center. For once, the child’s attitude is not under the magnifying glass, on the contrary the attitude of the parent is observed, he is invited to question himself, to examine his automatisms, to analyze the inheritance that he carries with him as baggage in turn from his parents and filter it with a sort of sieve, to let everything that is no longer needed flow, keeping only the good.

You start from here, from yourself. You start by standing in front of the mirror and asking yourself a question that you sometimes try to escape: “ Often everyday life with its commitments, stress and unexpected events does not give us a moment of respite to stop and reflect. In difficult moments, instinctive behaviors can prevail, automatisms that we put in place almost without really thinking about it. Stopping and changing this attitude is the first step to obtaining positive feedback often unexpected. What do you like about the way you are educating your children? What would you change? Is your behavior a repetition of what your parents have accustomed you to?

Once we have the answers to these questions, there are six pillars of the Danish Method, whose initials form the word ” Parent “: Play (game), Authenticity (authenticity), Reframing (restructuring of negative aspects), Empathy (empathy), No ultimatum (no ultimatum), Togetherness (intimacy).

Six magical ingredients at the base of a peaceful life, for the whole family:

1) Let them explore

Don’t give in to the temptation to organize their afternoons after school by filling them with activities for fear that they will get bored: let them play, let them learn about the environment and themselves through play. Studies show that a stimulating environment related to play helps the growth of the cerebral cortex tags. So, television off and let the imagination run wild. Never show them how to play, let them experiment, if possible even in the open air looking for safe areas where to let them go free: these are the places where they will use their imagination and have fun. If possible, put children of different ages together : they will help each other learn by helping and supporting each other. They will learn to trust others, acooperate and be helpful. When the desire to “protect” them takes over, take a deep breath and take a step back: remember that they are learning and do not interfere unless absolutely necessary.

2) Be authentic and teach to be authentic

Who more than a parent would not want to be the shield for every child to all that is negative? Yet, not always protecting a child from everything seems to be, in the long run, the best way.

This is for Danes what is called “authentic“: the first step in guiding children to recognize emotions, manage them and be able to communicate them. The first to have to set an example are us parents again, remembering that our children observe us more than perhaps we imagine. Deluding them of a happy ending for every situation, praising them excessively, trying to silence their negative emotions, are all attitudes that at first appear to simplify conflicts, but in the long run they increasingly distance the child from himself, preventing him from recognizing his moods and not teaching him to communicate them. How will he understand an emotion like anger if every time he tries to express it you try to avoid it? How will she react when he begins to understand that life doesn’t always go like in fairy tales?“: the first step to guide children to recognize emotions, manage them and know how to communicate them. The first to have to set an example are again us parents, remembering that our children observe us more than perhaps we imagine. Deluding them of a happy ending for every situation, praising them excessively, trying to silence their negative emotions, are all attitudes that at first apparently simplify conflicts, but in the long run increasingly distance the child from himself, preventing him from recognizing his moods and not teaching him to communicate them. How will he understand an emotion like anger if every time he tries to express it you try to prevent him from doing so? How will he react when he begins to understand that life does not always go as in fairy tales?

It is interesting to note that the original fairy tales of Andersen, not surprisingly Danish, did not all have a happy ending at all. In English translations, adults paid close attention to what should be avoided to the ears of the little ones, but the original versions did not always include the classic “And they lived happily ever after“. One above all, The Little Mermaid, has an epilogue all but pink: the protagonist returns to the waves of the sea, there will be no embrace of the prince to “save” her.

Accustoming children to stories that embrace all emotions will expand communication towards a sincere dialogue that will open the door to empathy, resilience and feelings of gratitude for all that is beautiful in everyday life.

3) Restructuring: that is the lens through which we observe our existence

That is, Rewrite the narrative of potentially negative situations. It’s not about “cheating” children when something goes wrong or belittling a state of mind, much less ignoring negative information by promoting “non-existent” optimism.

It’s about changing the perceptionthat our children have of life by first reminding ourselves that our way of seeing things can really influence it. It is not a question of dismissing a child with words of easy consolation, it is a question of providing him with the notions with which he can rewrite a more interesting story, with a more indulgent and loving vision first of all towards himself. The ability to renovate is a gift of great value and the keys to lifelong happiness.

4) Empathy

In the Danish school system there is a compulsory national program called “Step by Step”: children are shown photos of other children and asked what Emotions they are feeling. This teaches you to conceptualize your own feelings and those of others. They learn, by putting themselves in other people’s shoes, problem solving, self-control, and reading facial expressions. A fundamental part is that they are taught not to judge other people’s emotions but only to recognize and respect them.

Teach children that empathy and collaboration give a genuine sense of well-being and satisfaction, at all stages of life.

By judging and valuing less, by listening more, it is easier to find what unites us to others, rather than what divides us.

5) Avoid ultimatums

Calm and control: these are the words to remember. An authoritarian parenting style alienates children: trust and closeness are replaced by fear. What in the short term may seem the easiest way, in the long run proves to be the one that will bring less results, if not to real damage. Parents must make an effort to ensure that the rules are respected. Children who are helped to understand and observe the rules develop a much stronger sense of What in the that will grow up to make them emotionally stable and serene adults.

6) Create an atmosphere of intimacy at home and remember that you are a team

Collecting good memories, making the house a nest to return to, a safe haven where you can be sure of finding Love and Understanding .

Put yourself aside and always remember that you are a team that works as long as it stays together. Don’t stop supporting each other and building a small community with few but clear rules will allow the whole family to remain solid in the good days and in the less beautiful ones, which inevitably will come from time to time.

Recognize the difficulties with the certainty of having the resources and Toolsto deal with them, without lying to yourself and without easy illusions. With only one certainty: Shakespeare wrote that “No legacy is more precious than honesty “, especially towards oneself. This is among the most precious assets that we can deliver into the hands of the next generations.

Perhaps it is not so impossible, and there is nothing of these principles that we did not already know: just strive to stop and find time to ask ourselves if we are on the right path with our children, if we are behaving as we would like. It is already a first step to stay connected every day with the head and our heart. In doing so, it is very likely that the answers will come, slowly. All.