Children

Dealing with twins’ jealousy at two years old

By the age of two, children become aware of themselves, their desires and their abilities. They begin to impose themselves with the “no” and ask for what they need, sometimes realizing that there are limits, sometimes stubborn , screaming and crying. In those cases, the expressed desire often hides something else, a temporary discomfort, tiredness, hunger or sensations that are still struggling to clearly define. However, they are small autonomous people in their expression, even if still totally dependent in the satisfaction of their needs.

In twins the desires of one tend to become desires of the other too, partly by imitation and partly by jealousy . Thus, if one of the two asks for a breadstick saying he is hungry, it is advisable to prepare the second breadstick as well, because inevitably the other will also claim to be suddenly hungry. If one of the two is seized by a moment of tenderness and runs to one of the parents, the other will also suddenly need the hug of that same parent.

The twins compete for attention from birth and a relationship is immediately established between them made of love, but also of jealousy and rivalry. In moments of strong jealousy, there is no consolation that holds and they end up yanking each other, screaming and sometimes, out of frustration, breaking something or getting hurt. It is not necessary to have two identical objects available or to have two or more adults available, in those moments the focus is always on the same object or on the same parent. And, as a mother, I assure you that it is not easy to try to divert attention to another object or choose which of the two children to calm down first or invent a consolation prize for one of the two. We need a strategy that anticipates those moments and that allows them to understand that you can share (in the case of objects) or you can experience exclusive cuddle moments with the parent but at different times.

In my experience with Giulia and Davide, who are absolutely different in aptitudes and tastes, the moments of strong jealousy intensified with the two years, with Davide always attracted by things in his sister’s hands and with Giulia becoming more and more sensitive to the “arrogance” of the brother and less compliant. Up until the age of one and a half or perhaps up to the threshold of two, Giulia had always shown herself to be more compliant, willing to wait her turn and had focused her attention on her father, leaving Davide free to play the part of the dominant twin and monopolize my attentions very often. With the age of two, however, she too began to impose herself and the clashes multiplied.

Thus began the search for the most suitable strategies to quell scenes of hysteria. No magic recipe, but just a few ideas taken from manuals or blogs, such as, for example, the idea of ​​dedicating separate moments to children, clearly explaining to them the intention of reserving an exclusive moment of pampering, even just when changing the diaper or even just for ten minutes in the evening before bedtime. Or the idea of ​​creating shifts between me and the father, in order to “live” a little more the twin who usually looks for us less. We then began to calmly explain that objects cannot be taken out of hand, but to ask “may I please”, and to thank each other in front of the gesture of sharing.

When you are mum or dad of twins, you only have two hands, physical strength soon reaches its limit, but your heart and head grow bigger to welcome all the energy and all the amazement that the twins give unbeknownst to you !

Dr Kathryn Barlow

Kathryn Barlow is an OB/GYN doctor, which is the medical specialty that deals with the care of women's reproductive health, including pregnancy and childbirth.

Obstetricians provide care to women during pregnancy, labor, and delivery, while gynecologists focus on the health of the female reproductive system, including the ovaries, uterus, vagina, and breasts. OB/GYN doctors are trained to provide medical and surgical care for a wide range of conditions related to women's reproductive health.

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