Coping with grief after an abortion or stillbirth
Perinatal death is when a baby is lost between 27 weeks of pregnancy and 28 days after delivery.
Technically it is so distinct from abortion which is the loss of an embryo or fetus before the 27th week.
In reality, the psychological and emotional pain does not increase with the months of gestation, even if we need to reflect both on the biological and psychological changes during the various months of gestation and on the meaning of conception.
In fact, we must realize that the experience of maternity and paternity changes during the months of pregnancy , the bond becomes ever deeper, we begin to create expectations , to imagine the child , and how it will change family life. Without forgetting that regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy and its duration, it will always remain a very important event that will be part of both the life of the woman and the man, and of the couple.
We must always bear in mind that especially in perinatal mourning , even if in a different way, each member of the family suffers from it. The pain is also felt by the children already present, by the grandparents, etc.
Each individual reacts differently in the face of mourning , some with crying, some with verbal outburst, some with silence and much more and it must be remembered that there is no more appropriate way to overcome pain.
Everyone must respect the personal ways of dealing with mourning. We must always have in mind the well-being of the little brothers if there are any and therefore be able to explain what happened in clear and simple words, and with empathy.
Everyone should agree on what to say and how to explain it to avoid further confusion or denial of emotion, trying to be clear and not hide negative emotions such as mourning such as crying.
It is more effective to be sincere than trying to hide behind false smiles when in reality it is not so, children, even small ones, understand that you are telling a lie and are sad. The older brother may have feelings of guilt for the death of his little brother, he may think that the cause was his jealousy so you have to listen to his words, understand his emotions and reassure him.
Man and woman, different ways of coping with perinatal mourning
In a couple, the two people often have very different characters and personalities and for this reason it is probable that they mourn in the opposite way, this does not mean that they are moving away.
Everyone is trying to deal with mourning in the most effective way for themselves and probably for the couple and for this reason we need to try to talk about it, find the strengths of their strategies together and try to process this mourning with a lot of complicity and love towards the partner .
We must not forget that the man is also suffering and his pain is as lawful as that of the woman even if she was not carrying it in her womb, it was also her child.
When unfortunately a couple finds themselves leaving the hospital instead of with their son in mourning, obviously in shock because biologically this death was not foreseen, it would be very effective if there were professionals able to give immediate support to the dyad .
It would be very useful if in every hospital there was a network of professionals ready to welcome the family and their pain or at least be able to direct them to professionals such as psychotherapists to help them overcome this pain. In reality, psychopharmaceuticals are often only prescribed, which without psychological therapy are only able to quell the emotions of the moment.
In any case, I advise every couple who finds themselves in this situation to contact professionals (psychotherapists or psychologists) who can support them in the mourning process. In the meantime, I recommend keeping a diary where you can vent your anger, especially when there’s no one to listen to the pain that wears you down.
However there are also self-help groups ( www.ciaolapo.it/ ) who have lived this experience and are able to help with an outlet, to understand the pain and make the dyad feel less alone, but mourning with the support of a professional is a solution not to be underestimated.
I strongly advise against getting back to looking for a new pregnancy right away, thus thinking of quickly forgetting what happened , because it could prove to be more harmful.
Mourning will never be erased from a person’s life but it can be appeased until anger, guilt and bitterness have disappeared and have given way to the memory of a person so dear and tender that too soon if she’s gone.
We must learn to talk about the child we have imagined for so many months or a child whose crying we have heard for even a few days, talk about what happened until the time has come to look no longer backwards but forwards , however carrying inside a nostalgic and tender memory of that child who was never born or died too early.
Kathryn Barlow is an OB/GYN doctor, which is the medical specialty that deals with the care of women's reproductive health, including pregnancy and childbirth.
Obstetricians provide care to women during pregnancy, labor, and delivery, while gynecologists focus on the health of the female reproductive system, including the ovaries, uterus, vagina, and breasts. OB/GYN doctors are trained to provide medical and surgical care for a wide range of conditions related to women's reproductive health.