Children

Children: whims and rules

Tantrums are a bad way for children to communicate and they do it by crying or getting angry because they know that this way they get what they want. To break this mechanism, you need to teach him that the correct way to communicate is to talk, making him understand that with tantrums you won’t give him attention and they won’t get what they want.

It’s important not to give in when the child tries to get what he wants through crying or through angry reactions, otherwise the wrong behavior and the belief that by bringing mom and dad to exhaustion they get what they want is reinforced. When the child cries because he wants something that cannot be granted to him, one must try to reassure him by translating into words what he is expressing with the cry, but without giving in. It can happen that after a day’s work parents don’t want to hear the baby cry and it becomes easy to decide to please him, but then you run the risk of finding yourself deciding nothing and being at the mercy of your child’s moods.

Child’s whims

Throwing a tantrum is one of the ways that the child has to oppose the will of the parents and it is part of his process of autonomization. Satisfying his whims means positively reinforcing his dysfunctional behaviors. The child does not want but demands, he wants and knows how to get.

The child’s tantrum is the manifestation of something that hasn’t worked , that the child hasn’t understood, that disturbs him and is a strong indicator of his state of mind.

Tantrums are relational manifestations and arise and take place within the relationship with the parents and try to modify the relationship with this protest.

The child who throws a tantrum sends messages that are apparently not easy to understand from the parents who become irritated, angry and sometimes inappropriate in their reaction towards him.

The child also requires security from the parents and needs to know that the power that the parents exercise over him is exercised in a clear, coherent and explicit way so that he can orient himself better and find more security . The child with tantrums provokes the parents and signals to them that he needs limits to be placed on him firmly and consistently and he must know that the rules make sense.

Another fundamental aspect for a good growth of the child is the sense of stability . It becomes very distressing for a child to see that his parents are fragile puppets in his power. The resulting devastating insecurity often leads the child to play the part of the strong one, but he will do it as a child can do it, therefore not adequately and creating greater discomfort in him and in the relationship with his parents.

The whim, at times, is the child’s way of asserting his autonomy in the face of parents who do not recognize his skills and his evolutionary need to do it himself. But often the child gets the opposite result and is perceived even smaller and more capricious and therefore to be kept even more under control.

The child needs that the value of his feeling, his thinking, his desire and his will be regularly recognized by his parents, as he must know that he is not only entrusted to his parents but that he also has a certain degree of autonomy from them .

Last but not least, the child needs to feel loved even during tantrums. The need for reassurance about love can depend on innumerable justified parental distractions such as work, home routines, the arrival of a little brother or a separation between the parents, etc., but the child always needs to know that his fault is not it in no way conditions the parents’ love for him. The child perceives the loving kindness of the parents towards him, as their sensitivity is much more developed than that of adults, but the fact remains that even the parents’ gestures must be clear and constantly present.

For both children and adults it is more important to feel recognized as a desiring subject rather than not getting what one wants.

Managing child tantrums

In any case, the management of the whim for the parents is not always easily manageable but you have to learn to let the child’s anger pass, trying not to add your own to it too, finding the child’s theatrical side without making fun of him . You have to take a deep breath and remain calm, accepting the intensity of your emotions in front of the child’s behavior and reassure the child as soon as you can with a cuddle and positive physical contact and tell the child how you feel in front of the his behavior making him understand that it is his behavior that has been ‘bad’ and not him.

Through physical proximity and words, the child will be able to perceive the love you feel for him, without however denying his own feelings and needs.

To create emotional security even during tantrums, it is necessary to promote dialogue with children, even if they are very young, respect their words even if few and sometimes confused, respect their crying and always remember to praise children when they have good behavior which often adults take it for granted . We ask the child to behave in a certain way and then we don’t remember to reward him for respecting the rule, we take it for granted. Probably because we think it’s his duty. But is not so. We are ready to point out his mistakes, but we do not communicate to the child that he has complied with the rule, we do not positively reinforce his behavior and his efforts.

The importance of rules

Rules are useful and necessary for adopting the most appropriate behavior in different circumstances. After that it is right that the child plays, he has fun giving space to his imagination and creativity. It is important to begin, when the child is small, to give some simple rules concerning the organization of his life. These rules usually concern meals, sleep, body care and the main norms of social education. The child must also understand that the parents establish the rules to follow and he must learn to listen to them. If this educational work is not done from early childhood, parents can find themselves literally “slaves” to a child who decides at will when and where to sleep, what to eat, whether to wash or not, all seasoned with irrepressible whims if try to get him to change his attitude and when he grows up and becomes a teenager and then an adult you won’t be able to handle his behavior anymore.

Fundamental in giving rules, it is for parents to be united and firm in decisions and above all to share them . We must always explain the reasons for the rules to the children so that they understand that the rule introduced is for their good and not to punish them. If the parents decide that a bath should be taken before dinner, the rule is explained to the child, if possible by taking turns in this explanation, and introduced. The child may not be immediately happy with the new rule but if the parents are firm and determined every day, or every time the rule is to be applied, the child will learn to accept it and will calmly take a bath while waiting for dinner.

We must always remember to reward the child when he has adapted the expected behavior with phrases such as: “well done, I’m happy”, “you did a good job”, “you fixed your games, well done”. The child will feel gratified, increasing the probability that he will maintain positive behavior in the future.

Dr Kathryn Barlow

Kathryn Barlow is an OB/GYN doctor, which is the medical specialty that deals with the care of women's reproductive health, including pregnancy and childbirth.

Obstetricians provide care to women during pregnancy, labor, and delivery, while gynecologists focus on the health of the female reproductive system, including the ovaries, uterus, vagina, and breasts. OB/GYN doctors are trained to provide medical and surgical care for a wide range of conditions related to women's reproductive health.

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